Depressed Alcoholic Insomniac

An interesting comment from Sally "discard what doesn't help",

I went through a discarding phase actually (though not what sally meant). I wasn't happy where I was, and went into the classic mode of trying to find "the answer". So I cut out various friends... my hobbies... I stopped socialising... broke up with my girlfirend, stopped speaking to my family... and eventually cut out one that I should have done first - my job.

I eventually noticed that all i had was the room I was renting, and that was it. I got another job, new city, and some new friends. but that's not the point. This blog is as previously stated, about exploring the state of mind. As a depressed person I have regularly fallen into the trap of grabbing at "solutions", hoping that this one will pull back into a normal state. This is not the case, but I'm sure I'll fall into the trap again. I think in secret we're all hoping that some magical event will sort out all our problems, and I suppose in secret we're all disappointed that we can't find it. I think an easy way to spot a really depressed person is how quickly they try to grab at solutions, and how fully they believe that this one will help. I've seen people jump at anti-depressants and miraculously claim they are cured (anti-depressants don't act that fast). It makes me wonder, as is the purpose of the blog, whether people that are "normal" have the same feelings, only perhaps lesser?

One other point from Sally was a traumatic incident - I'm sorry this has happened to you, it usually hits the best of us. I myself have had a couple of nasty run-ins, however I'm pretty sure they are not the root cause of my problems. Oddly enough the biggest pain for me is still the insomnia, nothing is more debilatating than lack of sleep (I'd recommend "The Machinist" as a good film with an insomniac, though not for the faint hearted).

I appreciate the comment from davidjohn (not sure how you saw the blog, as I haven't linked to it anywhere). However I've not started this blog to ask for help. My aim was to document what's going through my mind , and perhaps to analyse why. I'm also curious to know if this situation is more common than I realise.

As it happens I did go to see a doctor a little while ago. He was so fundamentally inept that it shook away any confidence I had in the NHS to provide any help. First off he kept me waiting while he tried to work out how to get his computer to print out a questionaire on depression, which went something along the lines of "are you going to kill yourself? Are you insane and going to kill other people? Are you hearing voices?". He then told me that he'd run out of time, and that I needed to take the questionnaire away and fill it in, then come back for another appointment when we'd go through it.

I took the questionnaire away, filled it in. Took it back to him, then he started to score it, got through about 3 questions then said he'd do it later, put it to one side, gave me a leaflet on alcohol and said to call a helpline.

Maybe he was right to suggest the alcohol helpline, but his dismissive attitude and the fact he laughed at me when I said how many units I drank, all lead me to believe that even if were to have had even the slightest interest in helping me, he wouldn't have known how. I'm confident that the NHS can't help me here.

I saw a counsellor privately, but while she was very competent, I don't think there was much that she could do to help.

So I'm going to get through this on my own, it's something I've always tried to do. I'm not one for hand outs. What I thought would be interesting was to leave a trail of thoughts behind as I move through things. Regardless of where I go, it has become apparent from my encounters with people, that they simply don't understand what's going through my head (and I suspect the head of a lot of people feeling like me).

All comments are appreciated, but I'm keen to look more at why I and other people have fallen into such a bad way, than answers to how to fix it (you can't properly address something until you understand it).

I wish I knew.

Truth is that depression has become such a buzzword that it has almost lost all meaning. The symptoms range from self harm and suicide to people having a bad hair day, and there seems to be little drive to actually further categorize.

All I know is what I view as the form of depression that I believe I suffer from. This is a nihilistic view of life in which I have analysed everything I can, and come to the conclusion that there is no point.

There is the traditional mid life crisis of people saying "what's it all about". Then they buy a porsche, get a pony tail, and work in marketing. This is not where I am. I am torn between a number of issues, I suffer from insomnia, alcoholism, and this statement of depression. What I am needing to discover is what it all means.

To elaborate... We all get down from time to time. I have noticed that people pick themselves back up. They appear to want things, and have a drive to obtain them. I lack both the desire and the drive. I look at my life, I don't like it, but also don't like where it might go. For every direction there is a drawback, to the point I feel paralysed. This is of course deflection, I make excuses so that I don't do anything.

So to the title. Being depressed is in my opinion like feeling as though doing anything would hurt. Where you've got to the point that you would prefer to let life drift than to fight to make it better because fighting would only make it worse. It is preferable when in this state to let things happen - allow life to do as it will.

The question I would like to know is - is this depression? As I said, the term is too heavily used to have any significance to any individuals actual problem.

So the point - I can't see the point. Maybe I'm missing something, maybe people that can see the point are missing something. I find myself feeling that ignorance is indeed bliss, as if you weren't aware it was pointless, you could then continue without point, and therefore be happy. The irony of this is that you would then be defining a point to doing it. The trouble of this is I don't trust I would be happy.

Depression is not the simple chemical state people imply. I was told by a friend that it's just a matter of rebalancing my brain. Unfortunately I'm aware that I know what I'm thinking. I can't remove such thoughts. My best definition of depression would be an overpowering feeling of ineptitude, such that you can't do anything but watch

it is a much misunderstood condition. A lot of people perceive alcoholics as being wasters swigging meths out of brown paper bags. Not so. I hold down a good job, and would probably be classed as "a productive member of society". I am a nice person with a relatively healthy social life, to everyone who knows me I am apparently quite normal.

The twist is that I drink on average 180 units of alcohol a week. This may sound like a laddish boast, but you'd probably find most alcoholics will underestimate their consumption because we are emabarrassed about it. It is in fact a quite humiliating experience trying to dispose of the empties. I used to smuggle them past my housemates into the bottom of the wheelie bin on the evening before collection. I've since stopped caring and just put a bin liner of empties out for the recycling men.

so why? As you may have read in another post, I suffer from quite severe insomnia. putting me to sleep is a dirty job, but somethings gotta do it. The truth is that I've never found something that gives me the same level of peace that being drunk does.

I have previously argued to people that I drink as an antidote to my insomnia. In recent years I have realised that this is not true. I think I drink alcohol in the volume I do for the same reason as my insomnia - I have trouble switching off. It may seem like a cop-out, but I find that I constantly think, constantly have to remember everything that I've done wrong, everything that I've got to do, "pressure" in the simplest sense. Alcohol is a depressant, it slows the mind, ironically it gives me some peace from myself, which is constantly upset because I'm an alcoholic.

it would seem strange to a "normal" person that I would engage in an activity that is definitely killing me, and destroying my life. However I honestly believe that without the respite I've had from getting drunk, my mind would have flipped anyway. I cannot accurately explain why, but I have always been frustrated as a person. As a child I used to run around the house shouting, trying to rip the radiators off the walls (my parents had a hard time). The reason for this behvaiour is that I was "bored", I couldn't sit still. Even now, while I can sit still, I do this by retreating into my head and just thinking about everything I can.

So here I am, an alcoholic insomniac. Life involves doing my days work, fulfilling all commitments I have, so I can privately leave my head. I would like to know how common such a situation is. Most people drink alcohol to "relax", I think a lot of alcoholics don't accept that they are.

Hangovers have become a normality, I no longer get headaches, but my stomach is permenantly unsettled. I drink everyday, not because I want to, or need to, but because it is better than life when I don't. I don't stop because I cannot see the happy end. Possibly I'm moving onto the depression side of things, but I honestly believe that alcoholism is a symptom rather than an issue in itself. You cannot quite drinking if you don't have something to quit for, equally so you would not drink if you didn't have a reason to knock yourself out.

I have read a lot of material on insomnia. In almost everything there is a statement along the lines of "at some point or other most adults experience sleepless periods".

I don't know who decides to keep writing this, but they miss the point of the hell that is insomnia. I have suffered from insomnia since birth. As a baby / toddler I suffered from glue ear and would spend most nights screaming and banging my head against a wall. I never developed a sleeping pattern. I don't know if this caused my insomnia, or if it was co-incidence, but I do know that I have never known a "normal" sleep pattern.

As far as I can tell, most people lie down in bed, and drift off, somehow shut down. Imagine (if you need to) that you lie down in bed and close your eyes, but apart from that your mind continues on as though you were standing up cooking tea. This is the best way I can describe my insomnia, very simply I don't know how to sleep. I do of course eventually fall asleep, and I wish I could identify what it is that I manage, but I can't.

The problem with this situation is that I am tired. so it becomes an itch that you can't scratch. It is well documented that this inability to sleep becomes self perpetuating, and as the frustration increases the odds of sleeping decrease. I have spent entire nights in this cycle, only to have to get up and continue with my life as though I'd had a full nights rest.

I tried to pretend to dream, fantasize if you will. I've tried just about everything I can think of, right now I'm writing this with a feeling in my eyes as though they are leg muscles after a marathon, but I know that while closing them will release the pressure on them, I won't sleep (I spent 6 hours today lying on my bed with my eyes shut).

This should mostly be familiar to everyone. We have, as the quote I mentioned at the start so obviously puts, all had sleepless nights. The difference is when this is not a bad day or week, but life.

I wonder at times whether I just don't need the sleep, and if I am in fact living a normal sleep pattern, and people always feel like this. I know that people that I explain to that I suffer from this, perceive it as having more free time than most people. Trouble is I choose to spend that time feeling knackered.

So back to the title... imagine insomnia to be a prison sentence of being caged in your own head, unable to escape and let your mind get the rest it needs. We can all cope with periods of this, but I've found that it gradually sucks the life out of you, and after 20 something years of this, I do get the feeling I can't go on.

As the title may imply, I'm coming to the conclusion that I have a problem or two. I've decided to start documenting this in the hope that people could either suggest reasons for these things, or perhaps those with similar issues can understand that they are not alone.

I don't know how long I'll keep this up, or how it will finish, but I want to try to map out my mind onto this blog, whilst benefiting from the anonimity that it provides. My aim is not to ask for help, I appear to be avoiding that. My aim is to start trying to understand why I'm in this state, and why I act as I do.